Showing posts with label General Reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General Reflections. Show all posts


Living With Artistic License
Monday, January 07, 2008

Most people want to wake up in the morning with a general at the foot of their bed saying 'Go do this.' The problem is there's somebody at the foot of their bed saying, 'Once upon a time. . .' -N.T. Wright

I've spent the last four months in Minneapolis waiting for the general to give orders. Unfortunately, my general happens to be the strong, silent type. In my mind, the general is a Type-A god with a blueprint and checklist for my life, waiting for me to put tab A into slot B correctly. This picture is entirely unhelpful.

Much of my personal development has taken place in a context of Christian culture where "God's individual plan for my life" was the only approved decision making model and ministry/career path. Whether or not this model is accurate, my experience has shown it to be more like attempting to navigate through the Grand Canyon peering through a pinhole. Not only is it extremely difficult to see where I am and where I'm going, but I miss the beauty and grandeur of it all along the way. I admit, there are definite bounds for my wandering, basic Biblical guidelines, to be sure. But within this frame of a bigger picture, I've been finding tremendous freedom to explore my place in God's story - perhaps writing a new chapter of my own.

I realize now that the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, is probably more like a novelist than a civil engineer. He cares less about where we go and what we do as long as the characters develop and the story hangs together as a coherent whole. The only way to ruin this kind of story is to forget who the author is.

I used to read the Bible as a scripted play with people simply filling predetermined roles, but now I know they didn't experience it like that when they were kicking up dust on the earth. They simply did what they had to do, and often just what they wanted to do. There was a famine, and people had to go where the food was. Someone got kicked out of the house and had to run away to a new land. Men went in search of a wife, and found one (or two). And sometimes, God spoke directly to a person and told him or her what to do.

I've decided to experiment with artistic license in this story (giving credit to the author, of course). I'm going to kick up some dust - rather, mud, because I'm moving to Portland, Oregon.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 11:18 PM 4 comments  

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Harrowing
Thursday, July 12, 2007

I have entered a season of reflection on this past year and my life before it, as I decide what to do next year. This is a time of prayer; of listening to God and listening to my life.

In the midst of it all I found this treasure of a poem in a small book recommended to me by a friend. I like it because it speaks to my present condition and offers hope to those seeking renewal and direction after a long, hard year.








HARROWING
The plow has savaged this sweet field
Misshapen clods of earth kicked up
Rocks and twisted roots exposed to view
Last year's growth demolished by the blade.
I have plowed my life this way
Turned over a whole history
Looking for the roots of what went wrong
Until my face is ravaged, furrowed, scarred.

Enough. The job is done.
Whatever's been uprooted, let it be
Seedbed for the growing that's to come.
I plowed to unearth last year's reasons-

The farmer plows to plant a greening season.
from Let Your Life Speak, by Parker J. Palmer

Posted by Benjamin Washam 7:25 PM 1 comments  

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What Are We Inviting People Into?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I often wonder what we are inviting people into when we invite them to live for Jesus Christ. In a sense, we are inviting them first into our own lives as individuals and communities. Do we invite them into a kingdom of guilt-driven, over-committed, stressed, distracted, busybodies? This is the typical picture I have of people involved in full-time ministry, and it is a tragic picture. It seems than in many Christian circles, burnout has become an accepted side-effect of ministry, even a battle scar worn proudly by those who have learned to burn the candle at both ends. This too, is tragic.

One of the main differences in being a part of an order like InnerCHANGE as opposed to a missions agency or organization is that our people (interns, apprentices, staff, etc.) are more valuable to us than the task. In other words, the spiritual and personal formation that is taking place in each of us in the long run is as important as the "work" itself. This is a value that I have seen modeled over and over again throughout my life with InnerCHANGE. My spiritual, physical, and emotional health are not simply private matters that I am personally responsible to care for outside of, and top of my regular ministry.

Is it possible to minister out of fullness? Is is permissible to build into our ministry schedules times of solitude and prayer? Is it profitable to invest as much time in our own spiritual formation as we give to others? Is a sabbath worth what it costs? For the sake of those who must look to us to see the kingdom of God, I pray the answer is yes.

Lord Jesus Christ, make our communities and lives into winsome parables. May we demonstrate the reality of the peaceable kingdom you said was near at hand. Keep us from trusting in hurry and success rather than in your Spirit "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." John 3:8

Posted by Benjamin Washam 12:48 AM 2 comments  

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Dancing With Dirty Dan

Dan is a short middle-aged man with a large mustache who used to race cars in his younger days. Dan has also been addicted to crack for many, many years. He lives behind me in a house that has become a haven for drug dealers and prostitutes. His house is a real problem in the neighborhood because people are always stopping by for drugs, and younger girls are showing up each week. The police have a huge file on Dan, but nothing has been done to shut the place down yet. So many 911 calls have been made about his place that the police simply refer to him as "Dirty Dan."

If this were the end of the story on Dan it would be nothing new - you read about a 'dan' every day in the newspaper; you see him on TV; maybe you've met a few of them. But the amazing part, the part that requires new eyes to see, is that this isn't the end of the story. You see, Dirty Dan has another name; a name that he himself does not even know. This is the new name that God is prepared to give Dan and everyone else who repents and perseveres. Is Dan rightly labeled and condemned by his actions? Yes, and so were we. I was Selfish Benjamin, and along with Arrogant Andy, Money-Loving Mary, and Violent Vince, we were all in the same shoes with Dirty Dan before the kindness of God brought us to repentance.

Here is where the story takes a turn: the house next to Dan has recently been occupied and renovated by a Christian family further down the block. Two young Christian men have moved in and are reaching out to Dan. We have started meeting together each week to pray for the neighborhood, and especially for Dan and the dealers and prostitutes that they would be shut down, but at the same time that they would meet Jesus in a powerful way. We pray that the power of evil in that house will be destroyed, but also that God would reveal to Dan and his friends the reason why they were created - to worship God and enjoy life with him.

It was during one of these prayer times a line was spoken that has shaken me to the core, and has altered the way I look at other people.

"Lord, when we get to heaven we want to be dancing with Dan."

Posted by Benjamin Washam 12:04 AM 0 comments  

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Mississippi Adventure
Sunday, April 22, 2007

I've had a crazy idea in my head for the last couple of weeks. It is one of those ideas that comes from deep inside a person where it is hard to trace the roots; an idea rarely accompanied by a practical plan to execute it.

The idea is this: to float down the Mississippi river from the headwaters here in Minnesota at Lake Itasca to the Gulf of Mexico at New Orleans in a raft or canoe like Huckleberry Finn and Jim. I don't know where the inspiration came from. Perhaps this "father of all rivers" for America that flows through Minneapolis just over a mile from my house has been calling to me for an adventure. Or at least telling me to come up with an adventure of my own. I've ordered every Mississippi River journey book I can find at the library, the two best being River Journey by Clarence Jonk (1933) and Mississippi Solo by Eddy L. Harris (1988). Eddy sums up my feelings in his introduction to his river journal:

Once they have reached a certain age, dreamers are no longer held in high esteem. They are ridiculed instead, called loony and lazy, even by their friends. Especially by their friends!

Dreams are delicate and made of gossamer. They hang lightly on breezes and suspend as if from nothing. The slightest wind can tear them apart. My dream was buffeted by my friends. What the hell for? they asked me. What are you trying to prove? Why don't you just go over Niagara Falls in a barrel?

...Putting a canoe into the headwaters of the Mississippi and aiming it for New Orleans is not something a man is supposed to do. It is not considered normal or sane. Perhaps it is the danger involved, or perhaps it it too much an act of desire and determination, an act of passion and volition, or simply too out of the ordinary.

For whatever reasons, my idea met with disapproval, and instead of childish jubilation I approached conoeing the river with doubt and sorrow - sorrow because the glory with which I first came upon this adventure was dashed by friends. Like Galileo before the Church, I was ready to relinquish my radical approaches and be normal.

But this dream of mine, still suspended on the breeze and delicate as ever, was just as real as those flimsy summer spider webs hanging in the air, and just as clinging. Once the webs attach themselves to you they are hard to get rid of. And so it was with my desire to ride the river.

I doubt I will ever float down the length of the Mississippi, but what other gossomer calling is attatched to my life? I intend to find out.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 11:40 AM 5 comments  

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Where Do They Keep All The Children During Winter?
Monday, March 26, 2007

Today the dam broke - as the thermometer passed 70 degrees for the first time this year, the gates of people's winter hibernation chambers (homes) opened and overflowed into the streets, populating the neighborhood. The car I've been borrowing was unavailable today, so I ended up walking everywhere. A week ago my street was practically deserted all day, now it seemed every other house had a group of people sitting on the front porch relaxing, most with a radio blaring. One house would be pumping B93 rap hits, and the next would echo back with the oompapa-oompa of Mexican rigaton, only to be followed by classic rock in the next.

The biggest surprise for me was the sheer number of children! I hardly saw any all winter, and wondered how they could all have been contained inside when now the streets are filled with their shouting and laughter! There are at least 25 kids just outside the houses around me, and the trend continues down the block.

It is now that the incredible diversity and tension of the neighborhood becomes obvious. Because of the historic housing shortage in this area, ethnic groups are forced to spread out to wherever housing is available, preventing the usual ethnic neighborhoods and pockets from forming like they do in most other large cities. An American Indian family on my left, a Mexican family on my right, a well-to-do Caucasian family beside them, a Venezuelan family below me, and an African American family across from me! Welcome to Phillips Neighborhood, and to the summer months to come!

Posted by Benjamin Washam 9:46 PM 2 comments  

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The Death Of A Car
Wednesday, February 21, 2007

My Jeep, Mary, is dead.

In just over nine months she twice carried me and all my physical possesions across the country without a fuss, until, at the ripe old age of 210,473 miles, she passed on. That was yesterday - I was on my to read meters for work when she popped out of gear, never to go back in again. It seems she died of a severe case of disagreement between her many gears.

To find out why she was named Mary, you have to watch this Irish tv commercial where the inspiration came to the former owner, my college roomate, Mike. The phrase "come on, Mary!" was used often enough to get the car started or to make it up a big hill.

The picture at the top is of Mary and I at the Badlands in South Dakota during my road trip from Chicago back to Yakima, WA after I graduated from college. If you look closely in the picture (click on it to zoom in) you can see all my stuff crammed in the back and the tip of a lone close hanger sticking up in the passenger seat.

This is sad news as it feels like I have lost a long-time friend. But more than that - it puts me in a predicament as far as transportation goes. I just started this new meter reading job last week, and I need a car to continue working. (I can't afford to not be working right now!) I have been overwhelmed by the amount of people who have said I can borrow their car when I need it. I am hugely grateful to them, but at the same time, I am still praying that God would provide a more permanent form of transportation. I am thankful for the extra years that God seemed to stretch out of this vehicle when she should have stopped many miles ago.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 9:44 PM 2 comments  

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The Death of a Computer. Resurrection?
Sunday, February 04, 2007

My desktop computer died the other day, which is one reason why it's been so long since I blogged. I was zooming around the earth looking at mountain ranges in Venezuela or something on Google Earth (shameless plug) when my computer skipped the blue screen and went straight to black. The internal workings slowly spun to a stop till there was an ominous silence in the room. I tried everything, including power switch CPR (Continuously Pressing Repeatedly) and the occasional kick under the desk.

Upon further inspection and slightly invasive surgery under the metal skin, I determined I needed expert help. The PC 911 speed dial saved on my cell phone cleverly connected me to my computer genius friend from back home. Within a few mintues and a quick electrical jumper test involving pulling out wires and using spare paper clips, I determined with his help that it must (hopefully) be the power supply, a $25 fix.

Tomorrow is D-day; the power supply comes in the mail and if it works, I'm golden. If not, my New Computer Fund is about 3 years late in starting, and blogging will become less a test of my discipline and more a test of my roomate's generosity. I'll update tomorrow how the operation goes.

P.S. As an added note, I think the world should know that it was -40F here the other night, and daytime temperatures are only slightly better. For those of you who don't know, this means that when you step outside your front door, you feel immediatly a strange warm sensation in your body. This is called shock. Within a few seconds it wears off and all of the tiny hairs inside your nose instantly freeze, turning into mini ice-daggers that make it painful to breathe. Any exposed skin looses all feeling and the slightest movement of air (including breath) against it feels like an electric sander with #40 grit paper. Why do people live in Minnesota again?

Posted by Benjamin Washam 4:27 PM 1 comments  

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Deserts of Snow and Voices of Silence
Wednesday, January 17, 2007

(photo credit)
The Russian word for desert is "poustinia." In traditional Russian culture, poustinia not only refers to an isolated, arid landscape, but it also means a special place, usually some sort of rough cabin, set apart for a man or woman to go and meet with God in intensive solitude. In previous centuries in rural Russia, it would not have been strange for a man or woman, compelled by the inner-voice of God in their spirit, to leave everything in their life behind for a time and with permission from the local bishop, go construct a poustinia, and wait on the Lord.

This last weekend I attempted four days of poustinia in the barren winter woodlands of central Minnesota. The nearest town was named St. Francis, incidentaly. My shelter had graciously been built and maintained by the third order of the Franciscan Brothers at Pacem In Terris. My hermitage had a gas heater and a few sparse furnishings. I took warm clothes, a few books, and a flashlight for the biffy.

The only noise for four days was the occasional crack of water freezing inside a tree that would shatter the silence and make me jump in my chair. The sub-zero temperature and blanket of sound-absorbing snow turned my world into a black and white photograph - all the colors were faded to a grayscale pallette, and the world I could see was frozen still. I could not sense the slightest movement of a single twig on a tree. When I sat still, the only thing that reminded me time had not stopped was the beating of my heart. At night everything was wrapped in pitch darkness except for the sky, which emitted a faint pure glow from the stars that pierced its canopy.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:5

It was into this setting that I entered, trying as best I could to have no agenda whatsoever, only to be still and wait expectantly in faith on the Lord. As the hours and days passed by, boredom and impatience slowly merged into a peace. The constant disturbance of waves started to subside over the deep pools of my soul, and I was able to catch momentary glimpses into the true desires of my heart - desires that were holy becuase they were the desires of God himself. I believe all people who have responded to the call of Jesus and recieved His gift of the Holy Spirit have these desires placed in them by God. One of the roots of our discipleship and transformation into Christ-likeness is to grow into these desires by quieting the raging sea around them of the expectations of others, wounds and failures, intellectual knowledge, insecurities, and our weakness towards ignoring God's reign in our minds, hearts, and actions.

Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.
Matthew 16:24

It was this verse that I sensed as the response to my question: "Jesus, what do you want me to do?" I realized how precious these years of my life are right now, and how my singleness is not a burden, but a blessing of singleness of heart towards Christ! I recieved no insight into the future, no direction for this year or next; only an invitation to a journey inward, an invitation into a courtship with the Lord Jesus Christ. The goal is a divine union; the result is true compassion for all people. This is the desire of my heart.

My prayer is not for them [his 12 disciples] alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
John 17:20-23

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Posted by Benjamin Washam 7:21 PM 3 comments  

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Christmas Reflection no.1
Saturday, December 16, 2006

Christmas, more than anything else, reminds me every year that this thing I'm in - this movement of people after Jesus, this insitution called Christianity - is for the whole world. I can spend an entire year drawing lines, defining boundaries, treating "non-believers" different from "believers", and shoring up the flying buttresses of Christianity. But the minute December rolls around and I start reading again what the Prophets had to say about the Messiah, and what He actually said, I've got to throw away my boxes and categories and open my arms just a little wider than the year before. God did it so many times that by the time John wrote his gospel, He had His arms around the whole world in love. This is not an argument for universalism, as I hope you can see - this is simply a call to the Church and myself to BE the good news we talk so much about - to obey Christ and fulfull God's promise that His people would be a blessing to all peoples, not just those on "our side."

Posted by Benjamin Washam 10:22 PM 1 comments  

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What Am I Supposed to Do?
Monday, September 18, 2006

Have you ever felt absolutley lost in the world, as if you could disappear and no one would notice? That's close to what I am feeling.

Right now I am living with my brother Nathanael in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. I am sleeping on a couch, living off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Ramen noodles. Every day I go somewhere new where I don't know anyone and all my surroundings are unfamiliar. I just spent almost a month traveling across America and the Atlantic, returning after two weeks in Ireland. When I arrived back in the states, it was like I had never left.

I fly back to Washington this Friday where I will begin the search for employment and meaning in life (Only half tongue-in-cheek). I've got many more questions about life now than when I left, but I guess that's what life is about. Please pray that an opportunity would rise to meet me as I step onto various paths and try assorted doors.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 4:40 PM 1 comments  

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For 9/11 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006

Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us; And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For yours is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 6:30 PM 0 comments  

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Are Monks Christians?


When I say "monk," I think most people would imagine one of the two images above. If you call yourself a Christian, then you might even add on the third guy in the long robe.brown Many Christians (especially evangelicals) I talk to today consider monasticism a waste; even an unbiblical practice. I find this unfortunate, considering the incredible weight of evidence for its practice in the New and Old Testament and the history of the Christian church. The pattern is set by Moses, the people of Israel, Elijah, John the Baptist, Jesus of Nazareth, Paul of Tarsus, and many others in Scripture, not to mention the Desert Fathers and the thousands of men and women who followed in their footsteps even to this day.

The question of the "wastefulness" or "practicality" of the monastic or ascetic life is an important one that I would love to discuss in another post soon, but for now, the issue of Scripture - is it biblical? Sound arguments can be made (and have been made by myself on occasion) for finding fault in current or ancient forms and practices, but I maintain that the practice in principle is good, sound, and alligned with Scripture.

To start, an interesting theme throughout the Scriptures is the period of 40 days or years. This period of time occurs frequently throughout the text and refers to a long period of time in a wilderness or isolated area, usual with special significance in the plan of God. It is also often accompanied by some form of denial, whether that be fasting, a strict diet, or other physical constraints. Below is a preliminary (incomplete) outline I've done of these events in scripture. Notice the common themes of wilderness, solitude, fasting, interaction with angels, and closeness to the presence of God. After this list I have included some comments/questions on its relation to monasticism through the ages and new monasticism.

GEN 7:12 Rain falls for 40 days and 40 nights as Noah and his family escape into the ark.

EX 3:2; ACTS 7:30 Moses flees Egypt into the wilderness of Midian. He lives there for 40 years before the Lord appears to him on the back side of the wilderness at Mount Horeb in a burning bush.

EX 16:35 The Israelites eat manna in the wilderness for 40 years as they wander in the desert according to the command of God led by the cloud and pillar of fire.

EX 24:18 The glory of the Lord rests on Mount Sinai and God calls Moses to come up the mountain alone. The glory of the Lord appears as a consuming fire, and Moses enters the cloud for 40 days and 40 nights.

EX 34:28 After renewing His commitment to Israel after their disobedience of worshipping the golden calf, the Lord calls Moses again up the mountain for 40 days and 40 nights where He reveals his glory to Moses and gives him the ten commandments on the stone tablets. During this time Moses neither eats nor drinks. When Moses comes down the mountain, the skin on his face shines because of his conversation with God (34:29) and he must put a veil over it to speak with the people.

NUM 32:13 The Lord sends the Israelites back into the wilderness for 40 years of wandering and relying on God for manna that He might humble them and test them and find out what was in their heart (DT 8:2). Their feet did not swell, and their sandals and clothing did not wear out all those 40 years (DT 8:4, 29:5).

1 KING 19:8 Elijah flees from Jezebel into the wilderness and prays in desperation for the Lord to take his life. The angel of the Lord appears to him and gives him a bread cake and jar of water that sustains him for 40 days and 40 nights to Horeb, the mountain of God.

MATT 4:2; MK 1:13; LK 4:2 After Jesus’ baptism by John the Baptist, He goes into the wilderness for 40 days and fasts. During this time of temptation the angels minister to Him.

GAL 1:17 It appears that even Saul/Paul, after his conversion and baptism fled to Arabia for a time in the wilderness.

There is something here, ^ and I am going to attempt to found out what it is, and what it requires of me.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 2:07 PM 0 comments  

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First update
Saturday, May 14, 2005

Thank you everyone who has recieved my prayer letter and has decided to make this journey with me! I am currently at home in Yakima catching up with my family. I realized yesterday that I did not include any dates in my first letter to you. This Wednesday, May 18, I will be flying to San Francisco where I will be at work until August 3 when I fly back to Wheaton to start up school again. Please e-mail me with any questions or catch my at Yakima Alliance Church this Sunday.

Posted by Benjamin Washam 11:08 AM 0 comments  

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The real point of this blog
Saturday, March 26, 2005


I will be spending my summer with an organization called InnerCHANGE, a Christian order amoung the poor. I think a blog will be the most efficient and effective form of communication with people wanting to know what is going on so they could rejoice with me, learn with me, and pray for me. I would create a website specific for this purpse, but alas, I don't know anything about HTML. (sigh....) Please visit the InnerCHANGE website, linked on the right side of the screen. Thank you for visiting!

Posted by Benjamin Washam 4:10 PM 0 comments  

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